My Little Ghost

There is a strange and unfamiliar mental ghost that has invaded my head space lately, and I think I might let him stay.

At first his coming was extremely uncomfortable and foreign, like an unpleasant thought that somehow keeps pushing it’s way into the forefront of my mind, replaying over and again. Different from an image I would wish away, however, this little blip has seemed to reoccur enough to justify some peeling.

It began as fear, creeping into a blissful afternoon drive through the winter streets of my city. Almost as a jolt from a dream, I conceived a future where I had failed to truly experiment with many of the great loves of my life. My pleasures and pass-times, hobbies and dreams–all blown to dust and shuffled into the wind.

It was negligence, unbeknownst to me, poisoning some part of my every day. There are many words that can be supplanted here: laziness, idleness, habit, compulsion. A certain mania can take hold in those moments of motion, where an outset would seem impossible. My frequent-flyer is video games–so easy to dive into, for hours on end, bending the day’s light to a frighteningly short length.

My inveterate routine would steal free hours, post-workday. I realized I am often left with little or nothing to show, and another day come and gone. I am no closer to my life’s poignant goals, and the other activities that provide me with meaning are set afloat down river.

Where is my blood in the water, where is my skin in the game. Better to fight and ride, cuts and all, with something to gain, and progress to show. I feel a balance of scale, and that balance feels good. It feels whole. And most importantly, through self-awareness, it feels absolutely necessary. Balance does not assume that my go-to idle activity of video games is bad or evil. It instead directs the fact that imbalance is the root of the villainy–the source of my ghost’s arrival.

I will allow my friend some brain space, if only for a while, so he can sweep up the shards of imbalance. Doses of self-awareness ebb and flow, sometimes heaping on heavy, other times forgotten outright. It is valuable, and in fact crucial, to take advantage of these moments, when the universe is calling out, pulling your eyes to attention. Don’t be afraid to really look.

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